Ponderisms

Compliments of a certain sister-in-law...

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  
  
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  
  
• Life is sexually transmitted.
  
  
• Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
  
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  
  
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  
  
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  
  
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  
  
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  
  
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
  
  
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  
  
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
  
  
  
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  
  
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
  
  
  
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  
  
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  
  
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  
  
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  
  
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?